I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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