So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
