I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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