there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
