What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
