There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
