that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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