i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
