It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
