i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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