I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
