I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
