Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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