Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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