i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
