I never want to see another naked old woman again.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
