I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
