I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
