Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
