Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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