matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
