Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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