5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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