Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
