I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
