I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize