These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
