Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
