Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
