there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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