I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
