it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
