No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
