New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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