When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Damn victory sex feels great
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
