he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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