Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
