dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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