I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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