Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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