Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
