Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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