You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
