Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
