Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
