i permit you to call me
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I cockslap morals
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize