i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
