The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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