Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
