i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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