I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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