If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
