Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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