I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
