I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
