Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
