I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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