guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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