come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
