Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
