You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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