I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
