so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
