dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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