I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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