i barfeds in our rink
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
