Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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