i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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