So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
