her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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